Having done this once before I feel even less prepared than before (Caiden this year slipped into year two).
I am aware of all the practical side of things she is ready, she has been prepared and transitioned for this, she is going into the right class environment with the right supports lined up, we have been preparing for this very moment, but right now in my mind this is the tiny pink bundle we brought home from the hospital. This is my baby girl who only last week I nursed post surgery in my arms. This baby girl we have cried with laughed with and honestly been overcome with joy and fear for and by her. Lilliana has shaken us as parents and our family, she brings with her a certain amount of sunshine that we had never thought possible, she makes us laugh with her phrases and sayings regularly.
My baby girl is about to go to school and wave her infancy goodbye for good. This little girl who in my mind has just mastered walking yet in reality she still has not mastered it she has mastered skipping and dance walking but straight walking not really her style!
Lilliana is excited for school and her next adventure, and I am honestly pleased it will make walking away with teary eyes that much easier, but the idea of her being with another person for so much or her waking day, sharing my little girl with another person, entrusting the person with her is hard. Ensuring that the Lilly bouncy happy giggly girl I send is the one I get home, I worry about others influences on her confidences, and her educationally, it's such a step of trust to leave her.
In our household for the last five year we have already shared her with preschool and with therapists and other playgroup friends, and on occasions family as well, but most of her hours have been in settings we have largely had control over and known all of the teachers
and professionals. Lilly also doesn't really spend weekends away or anything like that, last year she
had two sleep overs with both her brothers for a night with her aunt, and again we know that she is
there for joy (and to save our sanity, to support us as parents in this difficult journey) this aunt just
listens laughs and enjoys or rides the crazy! She has yet to attempt to tame it!
Waving off my little girl tomorrow is just the first of many big steps that now loom in front of us, it is another set of firsts that to think about your baby doing. Is daunting, to think of a child with ASD doing it, it can be that moment that fear paralyses you. For now I am attempting to not look to far just look at tomorrow this is a big enough day for all of us, this is the beginning of a long period of schooling.
There is so much fear for me sending another little one off to school, the fear of bullies, the fears of her not comprehending what is happening, her limited skills with communicating emotions and feelings, spending more time trying to unlock another child or calm my child after such huge days/weeks, the fear that surrounds sending a child with ASD to school, these fears stem from past experiences with sending Caiden to school, and yes these are different children but sadly there are a few similarities.
Tomorrow with fear and joy in my heart I will hug my baby as she walks into her class I will remember with love bringing her home, holding her hand while she learnt to walk, feeding her and be secure in the knowledge she will be where she needs to be, and my heart will always remember the privilege it is to hold her hand and raise this beautiful girl xxx
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