the parenting journey this far....

Years ago we started on the journey of having children, this journey has really been one of love and loss and laughter and tears.

This journey opened my eyes to parts of parenting and love that I had never dared to imagine, highs that are unnerving and lows that took my breath away.

Recently our journey has been marked  by moments that I know will haunt me for many years, moments that have required decisions that seem large and immediate, such intimidating decisions.

I am a mother to four children, three children live with us in our home and our other daughter lives in heaven and our hearts.

I guess our journey to parenthood starts right there with our heart baby, Isabella.

Her name is sometimes a waterfall of tears other moments a lump in my throat. Isabella this year would have turned 8. This beautiful baby girl we held for the shortest moment in time. She was born into our lives too early, but not a moment with her would i change but the one i had to let her go. Our journey to parenthood started with love and grief.

Our next venture into this was in the form of my sweet 6 year old Caiden, he is truly an innocent in this world. He came to us and brought love and light that amazed me, that first touch of his skin, meeting him for this first time really was simply magic, relief and love and happiness merged.

When Caiden was not quite two we had a beautiful baby girl Lilliana, she entered our world and again shook our core it was amazing to know that love has no capacity I could not have imagined that I could be so full until 12 months later we welcomed my baby Elijah now 3, he was the baby we were meant to have, not planned, not expected, not like any other he filled our family and completed it.

WE threw ourselves into parenting both of us were present for most things sharing the paid and parental workload.

I guess this is that point of honesty, parenting was hard, at times really hard, partly we brushed this aside thinking it was due to inexperience, and many other such thoughts.

We questioned many professionals, we questioned our own judgement and at times went against that gut instinct.

Wrapping it neatly into a little bow we now have two children with a diagnosis of Autism spectrum disorder and our baby has a provisional diagnosis of Autism spectrum disorder. We have all stages of delay from Caiden with a moderate delay, to Lilliana with a mild delay and to Elijah who is not delayed, and “appears rather bright”.

The journey to this neat little package of diagnosis has been heartbreaking and at times simply overwhelming. We have struggled to explain to people the reasons why we do things the way we do them, we have struggled to understand ourselves how we do the things we do sometimes shutting our own emotions off and moving through various motions in auto pilot so as not to “feel” what I can only describe as the gutting reality that is our life. The whirlwind of services, appointments, paperwork and decisions still dominates our daily lives. There are moments that I allow the grief of diagnosis to wash over me, the grief of struggling harder to make a connection a lasting connection with my child, sometimes this grief allows the highs that are connected with struggle a light shining in a darkened room direct eye contact, a child melting into a cuddle, a connectedness.

I hold fast to thses moments of light, they allow me to focus on the possibility of happiness, they allow me to see the potential and the reason why we try so hard.