That brick of grief

September is a hard month no matter what for me it is a month or a time frame that is first filled with anticipation and guilt and then grief. Years has not dulled this eight years now to be exact.
This September marked eight years since we said hello and goodbye to our precious Isabella.
Time has not healed this wound it has taught me how better to mask my grief and fear and loss but not dulled that sharp ache of loss.
That awkward moment  in conversation when asked how many children or even is this your oldest? never really having the right response do I say actually no we had a daughter before, or the number of children here on earth, it is hard and sometime riddled with guilt that I answer that question.
Time has not dulled hearing her name raised in other peoples conversations or me staring awkwardly at any child with her name. It has made me all too aware of her age and of the gaping questions of who whould she be? how would she look, and in our household would she too have Autism?
Time has not taken that ache from my heart that she left, the loss that selfish loss that makes me want her with me.
Her anniversary brings grief and love, love that has not stopped without her with us and that confidence that it never will.
My grief has shown me strength I never imagined possible, it has humbled me at times. My grief is a reminder of how deeply I loved her, how much she is missed from my life and our family life, things were never the same.
Grief is always present, September is the month I really allow myself that time to wander in my grief and my loss it is that time I allow myself, that reminder of what is lost. It is the time we also attempt to celebrate her life, a life that was made with love.