Fear in flight

This post is really all about me! This is about another side of my life, the working side. This week I faced the unusual situation, of being threatened with a knife, this happened while on a home visit as usual on my own. This really was a first in community for me, and it is something that has gotten stuck in my brain that stupid question of what if, well more than one "what if I was seriously injured?" "what if worst case it killed me" "what if I was not found" the questions continue. The big ones were more about my family, what would my husband do, how would he manage on his own to do it all? How would he manage financially? Would he be able to pick up and carry on with our lives? The biggest fear now is my family and the realization of how reliant we are on each other to assist the kids in there every need, how. We juggle so many things between us, and have such a limited everyday support system. The fear of the what if left me numb. It left me feeling very alone and showed up some major flaws in my current family functions and supports. Of course the incident showed many other flaws in systems at work and so on and a bitter taste, but that is work. Know daily the things that we do, knowing the things we struggle to do with two parents, how can one parent manage this. Have the husband and I shared and really shared our long term plans and expectations for our children. With the way that everyday is different, with all of the work we put in, there is no simple equation or expectation we can have for their future, we simply have hope and determination and simple knowledge of worst case scenario and the fight to ensure that is not our children's future. The discussion for our children's future is sometimes cut short due to the depressing nature, reality often outweighs hope. My brain in its state then went to the next level of horror, what if we both were gone? What then? Who would take on this task of three beautiful children that require such interventions on a daily basis, our lives are not simple enough to state medications at this time and bed time at that time, it's complex in ensuring we push them within safe limits and yet shelter them from the things that are ordinary and everyday and teach them as they are ready to learn. We have plans and strategies to get dressed, eat meals and go shopping. We are often surprised by meltdowns we do not see coming, and often more surprised when our children cope in settings that we were most fearful of. Our job starts when they get up and goes into our sleep time. Who would take on this mammoth task? Who would do it in a way that was loving and in the children's best interest? This question has left me haunted by worst case scenarios. The husbands simple answer "don't die, don't become totally incapacitated!" mmmm One incident at work raises many questions for home.