masking

 Today as I was driving back from one meeting to head into my temporary role in management, I received a phone call that stopped me.

Staff from the hospital had flagged our file as sensitive, we were booked in for a third CATS assessment in as many years and two in one year! (yay us).

That simple moment of recognition that something may not be ok, there may be stress around this, simply crumbled me. It also sunk in that this was a booked appointment, it was all very real. I had told a few people of this appointment and the standard reaction was “well that is good you are getting it sorted out”. I wanted acknowledgement that it was actually devastating it’s the moment the provisional becomes actual, it’s that moment of deflation. For us having had this assessment for two children, a third is no less devastating, in some ways with Lilliana’s so fresh in my mind I find it harder. He is also my baby.

I sat in the work car pulled to the side of the road crying, life had slapped me in the face.

I tided up and the proceeded to go back to work, where I dealt with work things in a manner that I felt was professional. I carried on with my day with a smile on my face and continued along as required.

I did not stop or let my guard down, I made decisions that were work based and with no emotional input. I wore my mask of a working mother, the mask of “everything is fine”.

This mask is worn so often that sometimes I find myself shocked when I can take it off how real and huge that pain is, the pain I struggle to confront. Sometimes that mask is hard to wear and I can feel it slide a bit, I know I have to compose myself for fear of the flood of emotions that are tucked away.

Life as a working mother I have always for some reason felt that I should not complain about either side of the fence, to be a working mother for me and many others is to be riddled with guilt. Daily guilt. Guilt that I am not at home with my children at all moments, guilt that I am not at work at all moments. Guilt that I can only divide myself so far. The guilt  is everywhere. There is a constant battle for attention from work and children, and in my current world the further time constraint of appointments and professional meetings. There is also the hours needed following appointments to do homework and build our therapies into our life. Three kids all requiring various therapies our homework pile is big. We fit this into our life or really we have built our life around this, autism rules our household.

The things that is starting to bug me is not many people really know how autism rules my household and life, I guess this is part of my blogging, I am ultimately unmasking myself..............