Whine time!

The guilty, pleasure of time away from my children, early last month, was wonderful and hard at the same time. I was away for two nights over the long weekend, with a bunch of old school friends , down the south coast during the wine festival (coincidence!)

 For me the wonder was in having a shower without children or an audience, it was about doing things at a different pace, having a continuous non work related adult conversation. (part of me had forgotten how that goes!)

It was a refresher in social skills for me as an adult. It made me realise how much as a parent to autistic children I can shut out when out with them socially. My focus id my children, my focus in on helping them cope and micro managing situations.

My time was also filled with the dreaded guilt of “hope the husband is managing”, hope the kids are coping with the changes. Hope we prepared them enough for this.

Sadly there was also an incident that left me feeling somewhat panicked and incredibly guilty, they had an unexpected visit from some of the “sometimes visitors” (once to twice a year visit) and the kids had no planning or prep for this. I wanted to run home and help, I wanted to go home and calm them and talk them through the changes, I wanted to support my poor husband dealing with three off children on his own, attempting to engage his family and the limited knowledge of autism they have. MY instincts to drop everything and leave were incredibly strong, really I was only 2 hours from home, but two hours and a few drinks not making for a great combination (mummy was in wine country!).

I felt guilty that I was not there, I felt angry that these visitors could not give notice and had a sense of entitlement to my family, I felt angry  and lost, there was a tiny part of me that was pleased my husband had allowed this visit and it was chaos…(that really is another story)

It was hard for me to disengage my parent brain and focus on the social aspect of being a real person and part of something non child related or work related for such a long period of time. I am now more used to getting out a bit more to movies once a month, to occasional coffee in the evening but not that amount of time! It was a fabulously hard learning curve for me. I truly enjoyed my time but at moments I felt so incredibly guilt ridden and anxious that i was not present with the people that I was with. My time without the pressure of appointments, work, meltdowns, getting things right for the right child, was something out of dreams, it was a whole new world, a world I had forgotten existed. I could sit in a different spot without the world around me erupting, I was able to go to bed tired but not exhausted to the point of collapse. I guess that also there was that moment of oh wow life is not like this our world is not the normal. It made me understand why I feel so exhausted and drained. As hard as this life it its not something I could ever walk away from or stop trying to make our life's easier/better. I felt pleased and relieved to get home. When I arrived home the kids were excited to see me, my husband somewhat relieved! (he really looked allot paler, and exhausted) it was home, home with my people.